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May 31, 2006

COBRA: Definitely a front for the mafia

Darryl's complaining that I don't update this site enough anymore. He's right, but there's a reason. I'm SPARING you from hearing about my boring goings-on. As an unemployed underachiever, I've found that, for the most part, each day consists of me cleaning up the room that I trashed the day before doing godknowswhat (why is it that I can't close a drawer when I'm done with it these days?), taking long showers, watching bad movies, deciding I'm going to go to boxing and then deciding against it and so on and so on. I do have something to whine about today, so I will. Last night, my scratchy throat turned into a raging sore throat and fever. I had a horrific sleep. Up every half hour or so sweating. Ew... annoying because I JUST washed my sheets and now I am going to have to do it again. Tough life, I know. And then there is the situation with my Cobra health insurance. Idiot that I am pays it at the end of the grace period each month and each month freaks out that they aren't going to get it in time and then my coverage will end and I'll break my leg playing softball and then owe thousands of dollars. Thankfully, someone called me back. I was beginning to think that "The Benefit Headquarters," PO Box 116737, Atlanta, GA (no phone number listed) was just a front for the mob or some noise. Anyway, Brian called me last night at 3:30am during one of my intermittent periods of sleep. He knows he is a bastard for doing so, but he rightly called me out, saying, "Well, you never answer the phone! But you'll pick up if I call you in the middle of the night because you'll think I'm in jail or in some other kind of trouble and shit." True that. Brain (mispelling intended) proceeded to inform me that he had a revelation during his recent vacation to Myrtle Beach. Stuff about buying land and starting a pizza business down there and lots of very positive, future-oriented things. I'm encouraged by Brain's newfound motivation. Please congratulate him for his moxie when you see him. (If you know him, that is.) Actually, whether you know him or not, feel free to call him at 3:30am and tell him your life story. And while you are on the phone, tell him to lay off the Red Bull, he's chatty enough without it. So tomorrow I'm supposed to be helping out a friend from my softball team - modeling athletic/yoga wear at a Lady Foot Locker. Hysterical. I'll let you know what happens. It's supposed to be on TV but I don't know what time or channel. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. My cold meds are making me loopy, I must retire to my bed for a bit so I can recharge for my softball game tonight. Wish a girl some luck. Gracias.

May 30, 2006

Construction Carnival

Good morning, my friends. I had a horrific sleep, or lack thereof, last night. I went to bed around midnight, and then woke up every three hours after that. My throat is scratchy and my eyes hurt. Waaaaaah. Also, I had these horrible dreams---like mini-horror movies. I was about to die for half the night and there were lots of demons sprinkled about. Yuck. I don't normally have nightmares. So how were all of your weekends? Did you enjoy the most excellent weather? My weekend was rather depressing. I had absolutely nothing to do and no friends were in town. I sofa-surfed, mostly. Caught X-Men: The Last Stand, which was okay, did my bills and cleaned my desk. Pure excitement. Well, if I WAS able to sleep this morning, you can be sure I'd be up by now. Our landlord must have failed to inform us that they were going to completely remodel the Verizon building that is across the street. Drills, saws, hammers.... CONSTANTLY - accompanied by yelling. It is a giant brick building, fully intact, with barely a facade and yet, they have managed to find about 4 million things to do to it - it's a construction carnival!! My right ear has been ringing for about a month from all of the noise. I might as well move back to Harlem. That guy screaming, "Frankaaaaay..." 24/7 wasn't nearly as annoying. Well, I guess since I am up, I'll try to accomplish something. Oh, Kate gave me a shout-out on her hilarious blog the other day, if you wanna check it out. Happy Tuesday.

May 25, 2006

Dear Diary

I've been neglecting my blogging duties as of late. Why, you may ask? Or MAY you? May your mother? Did you guys play that game growing up? Mother may I. What a lame game. No you may not. Red Light, Green Light was so much better - I think. How did that game go again? Why do I have so many questions right now? Anyway, Emma is seemingly recovering nicely from her 24-hour polio-ish illness, so I may not have to take her to the vet tomorrow morning. Both she and I are pleased about this development. I am still a bit concerned as to what brought on the illness, but why wonder about things that have no real answer? This was what the writers and producers of Alias must have been thinking when they produced the godawful series finale that aired on Monday. Dear Lord. Not only must I mourn the loss of Jenny Garner's character, Sydney (because I like Sydney about four million and two times better than I like Jennifer Garner's actual person) but I must mourn the loss of a series that really didn't live up to its potential. Oh well... J.J. Abrams must've been too busy with Tom Crazy on Mission Impossible III. It showed, J.J., it showed. Well, at least your Lost finale was decent. Ellen's still scratching her head about 'the button'. So since we last spoke I've been a little busy. Lest you think I've been busy with something akin to a 'job', let me put your mind at ease. On Friday, Vicky and I were invited by Vic's friend Sarah to join her and her friends at the reopening of the legendary jazz place, Minton's, in Harlem. The great music and the magic of Ernest and Julio Gallo flowed for quite some time, and if that weren't enough, Ellen, Vicky and I hit the Lenox Lounge afterwards. The next morning was not fun for me and my beat down head and stomach, but I managed to rally that evening, hitting Sapa with Ellen, Sarah (a different Sarah), Paul and Vicky. The evening ended up at the always reliableFailte Irish Whiskey Bar and finally wrapped early in the morning. 4 hours later I was on a train to Brooklyn for softball practice. Unbelievable dedication, no? It's a pity such dedication can't be used for something like, oh, FINDING A JOB. Anyway, Sunday afternoon I headed to Little Neck for Kristy's law school graduation party. There were lots of people from my childhood past there - neighbors and the like. Everyone wanted to know what I was up to. I used the word 'freelance' a lot. It seemed to stump people long enough for me to escape to another conversation and/or the hors d'oeuvres table. I returned to NYC on Monday and had a fantastic dinner with two of my former bosses - one from my first job as an advertising assistant at Brides Mag and the other from my editorial gig at Brides. We went to Fred's and tacky old me took a doggie bag home. Whatev...it was good penne and sauteed spinach going to waste is a damn crime and y'all know it. Yesterday I went with my softball girls to the batting cages in Coney Island, then Anna, Donna and I drove the racecars and we had hot dogs. (This sounds exactly like one of my 4th grade diary entries.) If we would've played Red Light Green Light in the parking lot, I probably could've died and gone to heaven.. well, hell, really. (That's where I'm going, ya know...heathens like me go to hell, where there is no sauteed spinach and there are no dirty martinis...only starchy German food and TVs showing episodes of What About Brian? over and over again. Oh and BTW, If you haven't seen that new show, DON'T...sorry, Ellen...I tried to give it a chance.) So that's what's been going on... And you? How are YOU?

May 16, 2006

Three Stamps

May is half over. So that means I've been unemployed for almost 6 weeks now. I was speaking to one of the college professors I visited with over the weekend today and she said, "Heather, you need to get a job." I could feel her disapproving glare over the phone. "Yeah, I know," was all I could come up with. Being that the only job that I've actually gotten ON PURPOSE was my first job in recruitment advertising, I'm not sure that I know HOW to go about getting a job. People ask me, "Well, what do you want to do?" I think to myself: I want to do EVERYTHING - I want to be an archeologist, a psychologist, a tennis instructor, a filmmaker, a screenwriter, a magazine editor, a politician, a software developer, a physical trainer, a professor, a novelist, a photographer, a painter, a drummer, a bartender, etc. But then I think, nahhh, I'll just try to get to the bank and then go to boxing...oh, and maybe I'll find a post office so that I can buy three stamps and then put off going to the post office again in 2 weeks after I've used the three stamps. (I am incapable of buying a book of stamps, apparently.) Anyway, it turns out that I can't even do THAT. As I type, I can see the checks I need to take to the bank to my right and the stampless letter to my left. Pathetic. I did manage to drag my ass to boxing yesterday, though...so that's good. Oh well, maybe today I'll be inspired. Cross your fingers.

May 15, 2006

Government-funded, really well-read super agents

Well, well, well... look who it is. The few, the proud, the bored. And how are we all today? It's obvious that when I have nothing to do, I have little to say. How incredibly tragic is that? It also seems that my brain does actually function if I force it to. This weekend I was in Scranton, Pa. for an SJLA reunion. SJLA stands for Special Jesuit Liberal Arts. My friend Heather (really, there is another Heather that I am referring to...I'm not claiming to be my own friend) said SJLA sounded like it referred to government-funded, really well-read super agents. She was actually quite on the money, save for the government-funded part...oh, and we don't have weapons...and, in my case, I read a lot but don't remember anything I read, so I'm not sure I qualify as being WELL read. Okay, so maybe the other SJLAers are just really well-read and I'm just, em, super - super digressive. Yes...that. Anyway, I got to see a lot of my former professors and get rip-roaring drunk with a few of 'em, so the weekend was good fun. Some of the profs even agreed to give half hour lectures on philosophy topics (when they were sober). I know that this sounds incredibly dorky, but if you know me well, you know that I am a nerd. Listening to them...nay, hanging on their every word for fear of being the only one who was lost... was invigorating. It's safe to say that I've been uninspired as of late, so it was nice to oil up the gears and begin to ponder big, giant impractical things. Gotta love the Jesuits. I did not have my camera with me (believe THAT one), so I don't have a pictorial record of the festivities. In the spirit of reunions, however, I thought I'd dredge up some photos from my 5-yr college reunion to torture some of you with. Enjoy. Oh, I also saw a very cheesy but fun soccer movie today. It may have the dumbest title ever (Goal! The Dream Begins), but it is an entertaining couple of hours and the main character, played by Kuno Becker,is now neck and neck with Mr. Jeter for babydaddy status. It looks like this movie is already a franchise, with one sequel in post-production (Goal! 2: Living the Dream) and one just beginning production (Goal! 3... No title extension yet on this one... Shall I suggest one? How about--Goal! 3: Knee Injury, Disappointment and Retirement.) I'm evil. Have a good Monday.

May 08, 2006

Back in Action

You are all very lucky. Before I even had a chance to bitch about the fact that the CD/DVD drive on my iMac was all effed up, it went into the Apple hospital. In three days, it rose again, thanks to a crazy-eyed boy named Craig. Thankfully the damn thing was still under warranty and when the guy asked if I wanted to buy their AppleCare protection plan to cover it for an additional 2 years, I screamed, 'Yes! Yes!' through my sobs. Let me ask this question just one more time - why is it that all of my meticulously cared-for tech gadgets DIE early deaths, while OTHER PEOPLE'S crap survives EVERYTHING? Specifically, why is it that some people I know can leave a discman in a bush during a rainstorm OVERNIGHT in Central Park and not only find that it is still in the bush the next day, but that it works perfectly. It is not fair. (This was a few years ago and YES, I am still bitter.) Anyway, my computer issues have prevented me from sharing my oh-so-interesting existence with you for quite some time, so...let's see, what have I accomplished lately? Well, there is still no job in sight. This is both terrible and absolutely wonderful. My poor body is being pummeled by the boxing, yoga and softball trifecta that I've recently embraced, but I think I'll survive. Um, what else? Nada... I have nothing to show for myself. I did remove all of the keys on my keyboard and washed them. That is something, no? Tonight was a good time. Had dinner with Ellen and Erin, my old Brides mag bud who now lives in Oregon but was in town for work. Then met up with Jonathan and attended one of the most bizarre parties EVER. It was a DVD release party hosted by a yoga instructor named Edward. Edward was a most gracious host. I enjoyed a shot glass of champagne and was entertained by the Yogis Gone Wild dancers. Weird with a capital 'W'. There was shrieking and choreography and gesticulating and all sorts of expressive behavior. I do not think the Yogis were drunk, so I am not sure what their excuse was. I was waiting to be offered up as some sort of heathen sacrifice, but thankfully, such a scenario did not play out. Now I am tired and must away. I hope your Monday is satisfactory and tasty.

P.S. How 'bout that Stephen Colbert?

May 01, 2006


Good May to you all! I cannot believe it is May already! A year ago today I was doing something ridiculous with a group of people I barely knew at the time in service to NBC. It was a most interesting turn of events, which ultimately deposited me in the kooky arms of Bloomingdale's and has now rendered me unemployed and, quite possibly, unemployABLE. But you all know the story. I'm thinking of having a few children so that I can be on unemployment AND welfare. Sounds like a plan. So how were everyone's weekends? Mine was very softball related. We had a scrimmage Friday and a practice at the crack of dawn on Sunday, and then a fundraiser on Sunday night. So I had to go to Brooklyn TWICE in one day. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. I have to say, Brooklyn is growing on me. It's quiet and neighborhoody and the air is fresher. I bet that when you wake up in Brooklyn, birds are singing. And there are trees in Brooklyn! If you don't believe me, read that book...well, that book is only about A tree, but I can assure you that there are more. (Rest your weary heads Vicky and Elron, I'm not moving there.) Anyway, I saw the gymnastics movie
Stick It this weekend and I loved it, of course. The critics panned it and, admittedly, it was just your basic tween fare, but it was good cheese all around and there was not a Hilary Duff or Lindsey Lohan in sight. Long live Missy Peregrym! I finally finished that writing assignment that I've been bitching about, so now I can move on to more important things, like cleaning out my closet and figuring out what I am going to do with my life. Happy Monday.