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April 27, 2006

Time flies...

Wow, I haven't blogged for 6 days! What's my excuse? I don't know. It seems that if I don't need to bitch about my job, I have nothing to say! I'm not sure what I've been doing, but for some reason the days are flying by and I have NO time. It's so weird. It takes forever to get to 1pm when you are at work but wake up, play on the computer, shower and read some of your trashy novel (The Da Vinci Code--i know...i know, it may be a little predictable, but it really is the quickest read EVER) and BAM, it's 1pm and you haven't decided what to have for lunch yet. I am having loads of issues with my buddies over at Apple, so that's been taking up an inordinate amount of time. ALL of my gadgets have gone kaput. (Is that how you spell 'kaput'?) SO IRRITATING. Anyway, now I have to lug my iMac down there so they can take a look at it. WHY WHY WHY? Why do I always get the lemons!? Haven't found a job that suits my fancy yet so keep your ears open for me. Remember, offices are a last resort. I am looking for something bizarre. (Dustin - are you reading?? Find me an internship with an archeology firm overseas, STAT.) Got my dad on the phone last night. I don't know if you remember, but in the Easter entry I mentioned that one of our guests got trashed (for the 2nd time in his life). I was being discreet and calling said guest Julio, but it turns out that my dad (the true drunk) has been telling everyone and their priest that he got wasted on Easter. (He is Catholic, afterall, and thus feels the need to confess his excesses.) Sal Leo, for the record, is the most self-conscious drunk I have ever met! I mean, we've all been there...when there is no turning back and you're falling all over yourself. You forceably rid yourself of some of the offending poison if necessary, take 2 advil, drink a pint of water and GO. TO. BED. Not Sal... Sal sits up lamenting his drunken state and saying the same things over and over. "I can hear you...I'm aware of what's going on....Where's Brian? You've never seen me like this, right? It was the SUGAR in the Strega that did me in. Did I say goodbye to everyone? I can hear you... I'm waiting until it gets out of my system... I don't need advil. Where's Brian? It was all that SUGAR! I can't go to bed until I feel better.... Did I say goodbye to everyone? Who saw me like this? Where's Brian?" Speaking from a good amount of experience, I kept trying to tell him that the alcohol had won and he just had to admit defeat, go to bed and feel shitty the next day. He finally obliged. That's THAT story...glad I got to flesh it out a bit more. The pictures up on the site are from Liz's wedding. If you don't know Liz, she is one of my fabulous friend acquisitions from my time working on Martha's Apprentice. Congrats again, Liz! Your wedding rocked! As did the Leona Helmsley afterparty. (Did NOT need that citron shot and THANK GOD softball was cancelled the next morning! Sal Leo, in da house!) Click on the pics for the full gallery, as yooz. Anyway, I am finishing that writing assignment today (yes...the one that I have been torturing a few of you about), doing laundry and going to yoga. That's the plan. Don't hate me, I'll be on the street soon, begging for change. Denial is a powerful thing.

April 21, 2006

The Elfin Dimples of Jeff Probst

The rains are a'comin'. I can feel them... It's Friday...I think. The days of the week mean nothing to a slacker. Not meaning to rub it in, but I really don't mind unemployment one bit. If only I could afford to do nothing all the time! Maybe I'll be a dog walker. That seemed to make Toni Colette really happy in that movie In Her Shoes. Let's see, yesterday I went to an intermediate yoga class with Jonathan. He said that I could handle it no problem. Well, I handled it, but there were definitely various problems. The teacher was kind and said she didn't notice I had various problems, but I know she was lying. The chanting was a bit OUT OF CONTROL...I had no idea WHAT I was saying. I mean, if you are not chanting correctly, is the deity of choice going to hear you? Yo Krishna - blah diddy blah blah blah...you hear me? Krishna be like - what the *uck you sayin, biatch? (He's not as loving as you might think.) Whatev...the class was a damn good workout, so that's something. Visited my Brides ladies after that. It's always good to see them all, even the one who was attacking me for being too freckled after my stay in St. John. I don't hold it against her...she was probably drunk and she actually believed the beating was in my best interest. (The wounds are healing as I type.) Anyway, if you haven't been forced to look at it already, you might be interested to know that I am a contributer in this month's issue of Brides. It's May/June I think...white cover, black writing. (My mug is on p.62.) Anyway, after the Brides visit I headed to Brooklyn for a softball scrimmage (my first REAL-ish softball game ever!). I hit a double and made two legit plays before a ball flew through my legs, so I was generally happy with myself. It's going to be a fun season methinks. DO NOT come see me play. Hung out with the girls afterwards and then headed home. Could barely keep my eyes open. I was awoken this morning by a chorus of hungry cats and one very impatient truck driver (he was in his truck...OUTSIDE my window, in case you were wondering if I picked someone up in Brooklyn late night...). Now I'm noshing on a bagel and watching the lovely and surprisingly funny Kelly Ripa with sub co-host, Jeff Probst, who has the WEIRDEST face ever. I can't place it. Those dimples are bizarre. He's very elfin. Obviously I have nothing to say if I'm talking about Jeff Probst's dimples, so I'll end it here. I know how to quit you. I do.

April 19, 2006

Easter Bonnets Are Forbidden

Good Wednesday to ya, folks! So I was up early this morning catching Brides mag's segment on the Today show. Great job, Elron. But who WAS the chick from Today? Yuck...she was talking over Millie the whole time. Charlie and Diane know how to do it better, for sure. Guess who is on Ellen this a.m., people? I haven't watched a.m. TV in AGES and WANDA SYKES IS ON! What a great way to start the day! Comedy heaven for me! Anyway, I know you've all been chomping at the bit to find out how my Easter was. I have to say, it was very nice! No real drama. The usual suspects were there, sans my cousins, Nicole and Joey, which was a bummer, but we survived. Everyone arrived at 3pm and the noshing began. Billy the hobbit explained to me that he wore his brass knuckles especially for me. Okay, they weren't brass knuckles, but they were similar, with rubies in them. I don't think he was threatening me, but I can't be sure. And anyway, he doesn't know how adept I'm getting at the boxing. Plus, I could outrun him because he staggers at about 0.25 miles an hour. Okay enough frontin'. Yeah, so Easter was fun...not so fun for Julio* though. I think he/she has since recovered. So softball is in full swing--love them puns--and our first scrimmage is tomorrow evening. My first organized softball game ever! It seems I am making up for lost time with all of my recent activities---it would probably be in my best interest to insert a JOB into the mix. Martha's talkin' about rhubarb right now on TV... that reminds me, there is this homemade spicy garlic mayonnaise that Penelope's uses in their BLT. Does anyone have a recipe for something similar? I think I would eat healthier sandwiches if I could just come up with some tasty condiments to use. Get on that, people...show me the way to perfect spicy garlic mayo. I guess I have to mention the fact that crazy gay Tom Cruise and recently insane Katie Holmes had their alien baby. Hilariously and ironically, Brooke Shields had hers on the same day, giving late night talk show hosts about a million more jokes than they might have had otherwise. I betcha the Shield's kid's birth was actual QUIETER than the alien baby's, due to the massive amounts of drugs Brooke was probably on...because you know she is an addict, right? Anti-depressants lead right to heroin...I swear! A neanderthal-ish male model once told me so. Okey dokes...gonna tune in to the talk about the glistening sanding sugar on the rhubarb and then grab a shower. Don't be jealous.

*name changed to protect the WASTED, fallin' all over the place, talking the same smack for 2 hours Easter dinner guest

April 13, 2006

The Invasion of Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Please explain to me why I watched some lame Showtime movie with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Ellen Burstyn for what seemed like HOURS yesterday and then TAPED the end because I had to leave for boxing? I know what you'll say...you'll say I was just being my cheezy old self. And you'll be right. So let's just consider that a confession. Bizarrely, I just happened to catch the E! True Hollywood Story on Home Improvement on Tuesday, too... lots of Jonathan Taylor Thomas in my life right now... not sure what that means. (I was really watching the Yankee game at the time, I don't know how the E! channel snuck its way in there. I did see my baby's daddy Derek come through with a game winning 3 run homer. So I wasn't really watching the true story of a 90s sitcom, I swear.) Anyway, re: JTT, it reminds me of this picture I took in a supermarket in Scranton, PA when I was in college where I looked exactly like every 13 year old boy on the cover of this teen magazine. I have a scanner now, so if I can find the pic, I will happily humiliate myself and post it on here. (Dana, do you know which one I'm talking about?!) Boxing rocked yesterday...I will miss it so when my lessons end. Will have to go on hiatus until I can afford the suckers. It's toats expensive. Met la Victoria afterward and we went to this great Australian restaurant, Eight Mile Creek.The bartender (possibly the owner?) was so sweet. I would definitely recommend it. It's cute, tiny, friendly and the grilled portabello mushroom with roasted peppers and garlic sautéed spinach was superb. Apparently there is another bar downstairs and a garden and on the weekend they have barbecues! Sign me up. Timmy was in town for a minute in between flights, so we went to meet him at Odessa,where BFF bartends on Wednesday nights. Tim regaled us with stories of his horrific flight experiences coming from Ireland to NYC and the loss of his luggage, ate his potato pancake (is that what you were eating, Tim?) and then was off to sleep for an hour before heading back to the airport to fly out to California. Hope you make it safe and sound, Tim, let us know how it goes. Went home after that, was awoken by Fight Club: Feline Edition in my room and now here I sit, addressing you beautiful people. Hope your Thursday is making you feel all fuzzy and warm. Gotta go see what happens to JTT and Ms. Burstyn now.

April 12, 2006

Fools rush in

Is today Wednesday? I've lost all sense of time. I was assaulted AGAIN by celebrity headlines this morning. J-Lo is suing her ex-husband for some tell-all book he is writing and child welfare folks + a sherrif stopped by the Spears-Federline compound for a spot of tea recently. All of these things are to be expected, no? OF COURSE J-Lo's husband is going to write a tell-all book, where I'm sure he'll detail that she is an egomaniacal, abusive, control-freak...duh. We already know that. Instead of suing, she should make some deal with him to get some of the sales profits. That would be smarter, no? Borrrrring, J-Lo. Almost as boring as Tom Cruise saying he won't promote Mission Impossible III if the South Park episode featuring him locked in a closet isn't taken off the air permanently. Tom, have you ever heard the phrase "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"? You are that lady, Tom. Clooney would never make such a spectacle of himself. Anyhooo, the OTHER thing I was musing about in response to the ridiculous headlines was that you need a license to drive, a permit to build, 10 forms of ID to get an ID, etc. etc. BUT any fool can have a CHILD. WTF? They should've at least made K-Fed walk a straight line and touch his hand to his nose a couple of times. Maybe say the alphabet once or twice? SOMETHING. And that other one...Britney...yeesh. She can't even comb her own hair...she has a KID? What's the kid's name, anyway? Poor thing. She/he is DOOMED. Buy some CLASS with all that money, Spears! Geez. Then again, maybe the kid will grow up and parent the parents a-la Whitney and Bobby's daughter. (They have a girl, right Vicky? Pls confirm.) Yeah, good luck with all that, freaky celebrities. Speaking of kids, saw an adorable, well-adjusted stringbean last night. Vicky, BFF and I watched little Maceo while Jen sang at some bizarre venue on the upper west side. We are not exactly sure what the event was, but it had something to do with Jonathan Safran Foer, the author of the book, Everything is Illuminated. Anyway, Maceo was a trip, as usual. And thanks for dinner, Jen! I hope you all enjoy your day...I am going to try and be productive now.

April 11, 2006

Back from paradise

Hey kids, I'm back! Didya miss me? St. John was awesome. The pics speak for themselves. (But of course I won't let that be the case...you're not getting off that easy. It's been a week! I'm in babble withdrawal.) Sun, relaxation, alcohol - does it get any better? BFF discovered snorkeling, Vicky discovered that she is not actually caucasian and I discovered rum tolerance. We ate, we slept, we sailed to quasi-deserted islands. I even dove off a boat and swam to a bar. What else? An eight-year-old sold us beer, tourists in "Island Wear" amused us with bad dancing and we were this close to being attacked by birds. I think that sums it all up. Oh, ALL of the food was amazing. Apparently, 4 and 5 star chefs (wait, is there such a thing as a 5 star chef?) move to the Carribbean when the big cities burn them out. I believe it. So how was everyone's week? Are y'all sprung forward? It was cool that it was still light outside after I came out of the movie theater tonight. I won't tell you what I saw because it was the WORST. MOVIE. EVER. Okay, maybe I should tell you so you don't go see it. I'll give you a hint, it starts with a 'Bench' and ends with a 'warmers'. Don't go see it. And don't ask me why I saw it. DON'T. I can't talk about it. Anyway, my first day of unemployment went well...no anxiety. Slept in, cleaned my room, paid bills, got caught up on some e-correspondence, had lunch at Penelope, etc. Fascinating, I know. I kept thinking that it might be nice to do this everyday. But maybe it's the contrast that makes it all interesting. So I just happened upon a Yahoo! news link that said that Gwyneth Paltrow named her new kid 'Moses'... How lame is that? Moses Martin? That's just dumb. And supposedly, the first kid was given the name Apple because they thought it was biblical and innocent. Biblical, yes...innocent - DUH...innocent? The forbidden fruit? It's the least innocent symbol ever, no? I cannot. Dr., I have been assaulted by celebrity gossip, can you schedule me in for a lobotomy. OMG that was the lamest. joke. ever. Shoot me.

April 03, 2006

Bon voyage!

Bon voyage, dolls. My car comes in T-minus 4 hours and something and then I'm off to St. John. I'm not packed yet and I would like to sleep for at least a couple hours so I'll make this short. Dana's baby shower was fantastic...really, D, it was. (I really enjoyed the chicken and that iced tea tasted great with my vodka.) Oh, and I am very happy I got to play photographer. (Hope you like the pics.) FYI-since I took pics with Dana's camera and not mine, I don't have many to put up here. I KNOW Carol and Kate will kill me if I put their photos up so this one is it. You'll notice that my hair looks BIZARRE. I can't put a finger on what it reminds me of. The top is okay and then there is this sort of lampshade-ish bottom. Dunno. Anyway, if you need me, you can give me a call on my cell - Vicky's phone works there, so...ya never know. Or you can email me...I'll probably check it at some point, though not often, because the point of going to St. John is to leave civilization. There is a small chance that I might stay on the island forever, since I am now unemployed. If that happens, I wish you all well. JUST KIDDING, you can come visit. Oh and Darryl, if you are reading this, I missed you on Friday so let's celebrate/commiserate when I get back.