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March 31, 2006

Bye Bye Bloomie's + One rotten Apple®

OMG, it's my LAST day at Bloomie's! YAY! Spring has sprung and flip-flops are in the very near future! There is a possible job on the horizon, but we don't need to talk about that yet. I was all set to be unemployed, so I don't know if my head can wrap itself around a - GASP - work schedule - DOUBLE GASP - again. I can just live off my trust fund. No worries. It's funny... my life view has changed so much since the day I quit Organic Style to work on The Apprentice. The idea of a full-time job with benefits is so much less appealing now. Once you embrace the instability, it's not so bad. Of course if you grew up surrounded by those who encourage stability at all costs, you know there will always be bits and pieces of anxiety in your psyche re: instability, but that's where your friends come in. You torture them with your 'I'm never going to find a job!' 'I'm poor!' etc. and they graciously inform you that you are being ridiculous and everything will turn out fine - over and over again... Thank you in advance, my friends. I'm very itchy today. Why? This weekend is Dana's baby shower! Looking forward to it, despite the fact that I will have to play GAMES. We all know Heather doesn't like GAMES. But it's okay...I can do it. I would only do these things for my bestest friends. Anyway, Dana says alcohol will be available, so it's all good. Daylight savings time is some time soon... Sunday? Or is it Saturday night? Someone just text me the time on Monday a.m., pleeeeaz. I have an 8am flight or some noise. But we turn the clocks ahead, right...? So I can only be early for something, right, not late? Man, my wires are all kinds of effed up. Speaking of wires, I think there is something wrong with the disc drive of my G5. This BETTER not be the case, as I've only had it since last May. At least it is still under warranty. As are my iPod headphones, which are messed up, too...the casing is coming away from the wiring, AS USUAL. These too are under warranty until October. APPLE, what are you doing to me!?!!??!!? I spend my days defending your company's beauty, your prowess, your innovation...and what do you give me - FAULTY merch. In addition, Melissa's iPod mini is dying and someone I met out the other night is emailing me that his iPod is also failing. (Both of these people seem to think that I can fix their items due to my grandiose, drunken assertions that I accidentally fix iPods all the time. Really it was just the two...my own 2 generation and Ellen's mini. That's the long and the short of that shite.) Anyway, the point, APPLE, is that you best be getting your shit together. Sirius, you aren't winning any points either with your shoddy S50. Dell is looking better and better, and I HATE PCs. Can you imagine defecting from MacWorld? Has anyone ever done it? Nah, I don't think I could. But if things continue in this manner, I'm going to turn into one of those annoying people who writes letters to company presidents and CC's every department. Oh wait, I'm already that person. My bad. Well, slap a housedress on me and call me Esther! Have an awwwweeeeeesome Friday.

March 30, 2006

Running on Empty

Not feeling so hot today... I'm a little hung over. Had dinner with Vic, Jodi, Joanne and Sam at Perbacco in the East Village and then spent the rest of the eve with BFF and a rotating cast of characters at Odessa. Good times. Yapping co-workers right outside my office driving me insane. Two more days left here. Wow. This may be the extent of this entry today because I have nothing....NOTHING in my brain. I am glad that journalist from the Christian Science Monitoris alive and well. That's something. Staring at the screen. OH - I made one of the softball teams in the Prospect Park Women's Softball League. They just let me know. Of course I am already going to be the slacker of the bunch because I can't make the first practice (I'll be in St. John). Team name is 'The Titans'...kewl. Remember us. (That was cheesy and for you, Elron.) Alright, fuggedddabouttttit...I'm done. Here is the recipe for jelly, courtesy of Darryl:

4 cups fruit
3 1/2 cups sugar
2 tbsp. lemon juice
1/2 of a 6-ounce pkg. liquid fruit pectin

Okay. NOW I'm done. xo

March 29, 2006

What's in the jelly?

The mystery has been solved. Clued in by Artsygoddess and Eliad, I now know that my huge spike in site hits was all you Whatever fans. Thanks for being interested and I hope you are not sorry you double-clicked. But how could you be, really? It's too bad that you logged on on a day where I was talking about why there are very few minorities amongst my pool of friends. That's a quasi-serious topic...something that doesn't rear its head much around these parts. Anyway, I was just explaining the circumstances that led to this reality. And I'm sorry, M. Wills, if you didn't mean to be judgmental. I wasn't so sure but don't want you to be misunderstood as there is nothing worse. Well, I suppose there are one or two things worse. Leeches, for one. Alec Baldwin, for two. I don't know if you guys remember, but I had this early morning coffee dilemma up until about 2 weeks ago. My friendly coffee cart guy was so sweet and knew what I wanted and gave me my small-coffee-milk-and-sugar with a smile and some good tidings everyday, so I couldn't go anywhere else. (I HAD to walk past him to get into the building, so there was no hiding from him, either.) ANYway...2 weeks ago he wasn't there and he is seemingly GONE. I didn't ask where he went because I didn't want to make the new cart guy feel like he wasn't up to snuff. I tried the new cart guy for a while but it just wasn't working out. So now I hit the Dunkin' Donuts (I just started to type McDonald's instead of Dunkin'! ew.) in the A.M. Much better coffee, but now I get a jelly donut. What is IN this jelly? Does anyone know? And why am I now compelled to eat this at 9am? I've done it every day for the past two weeks. Bizarre. Thankfully, the jelly donut will no longer be an issue in 3 days, as I'll be finished here. I was thinking of temping again, but then I'd have to dress all proper and businessish and shite and it'll be the summer and i'll be miserable. Best to look into bartending. Yes, working at a dark, dank, ale-coated bar in the wee hours wearing sneakers DEFINITELY beats hoofing it into midtown every day. Ah, St. John...you call to me. Did I tell you all that I'm going!? Kind of a last minute thing...with Vicky and BFF. I'm unemployed as of Friday and come Monday, I'm going to a Caribbean island. It doesn't get any better than that. Don't hate me...QUIT YOUR JOB! Of course, come the Wednesday after I get back, I'll be writing you S.O.S.'s from my desk in my pajamas whining about my anxiety over not having an income. It is very hard to live in my brain, people. Well...I must do some work now I suppose. Whatever fans, thanks for being loyal and fabulous...I know Alexis and Jennifer appreciate you guys! I'm going to put a picture of Alexis' hot car on their MySpace page. Drool away. Happy Wednesday, peeps...and if someone can email me info about who invented the zipper, I'd greatly appreciate it. I don't have time to Yahoo! it right now and I was wondering about it this morning. Thank you in advance.

March 28, 2006

A Plethora of Majorities

There is a bizarre spike in my unique page views today. Who is reading this thing? I know that someone named M. Wills is checking it out, because he/she emailed me asking why I didn't have any minority friends. The email was a tad accusatory and judgmental in tone, but it was an interesting query nonetheless. So let us address this... I grew up in Little Neck, NY, a Queens suburb. And no, the term Queens suburb is not an oxymoron, though those of you who are only familiar with places in Queens like Astoria and Long Island City may beg to differ. Little Neck is somewhere between a proper suburb and a concrete jungle. Though there is a large Asian population in Queens now, there was not one when I was growing up. It was predominantly white. I went to Catholic grammar school in Great Neck, which is a very Jewish town and therefore predominantly white. Surprisingly, however, my graduating class of 12 was among the most mixed you could find. Virtually every race was represented. I keep in touch with only one person from grammar school, who happens to be a white woman named Simone. Spent my high school years at St. Mary's in Manhasset and again, my class was predominantly white. I keep in touch with only one person from there - a white woman named Kim. Then there was college at the University of Scranton. Northeastern Pennsylvania, people...it's as white as white can be, so most of my friends were, again, white, save for Ms. Carol Montuori-McDonough, who is Korean/Italian. After college, I spend a year at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland...surprise-more white people! Returned home and began working in a recruitment advertising agency...mostly Jewish folk there. Then it was onto Conde Nast Publications and Rodale Publications - again, mostly Jewish folk...mostly white. I honestly do not meet many minorities. I guess that is strange. M. Wills, perhaps you can introduce me to some people of different races and colors? Anyway...moving on to other topics, my brother and I went to see the Rangers play last night. It was a ridiculously exciting game, I have to say. Thank God they won, because Brain gets very emotional about his hockey team. You should see him and Sal watching a game in the pizzeria...insanity. I've never seen someone get so legitimately angry about something they cannot control that is entirely not important in the big scheme of things. I guess it is just displaced emotion. That's probably what sports are for guys...and crazy girl fans. I can see screaming for your favorite team and being pissed when stupid Weekes can't block a shot to save his life, but it's odd when it stews and you actually get depressed or so angry that you fight an opposing fan or some noise like this. Anyway, the won, so angry Brain had the night off. FYI - today I am IN AN OFFICE. They've moved me for the 51st time because my replacement is coming today. I have to train him when he gets here, but for now, I am pretending I am important IN MY OFFICE. It's like that scene in Working Girl. Let all the dreamers wake the nation!!!! Happy Tuesday.

March 27, 2006

Talk to me, Mr. Jung

Good Monday, children. How were the weekends? Mine was perfectly lovely and rejuvenating. Saw Inside Man on Friday. A very interesting flick. Lively, unique, cool lighting, great score, some twists...an elegant caper, if you will. Will you? Saturday I got my hair cut. It's very choppy and piece-y. I like it, for the most part. The cowlick still lurks, however. There is no dealing with it. Had dinner with Alexis at this cute French restaurant in the West Village called La Ripaille. It was not too crowded and not too empty - perfecto! The owner...at least I think it was the owner...was flitting about making sure all was well in a very hyperactive, psychotic manner, but he was kind and meant only the best so it was all good. Sunday was somewhat soulful. (Say that five times fast.) I tried to go to Penelope for brunch but the line was OUT THE DOOR. So annoying. And the Banc Café was CLOSED? WTF? I went to this rather lame place on 2nd Ave. called Benjamin's (not worth a link). While I was there I read this article in Time about how kids are too technologically wired today and how, in their attempt to "multi-task," they aren't completing any task truly well. Of course the obsession with gadgets extends to our and sometimes our parents' generations and is just NOT GOOD. I, for example, am totally distracted and cannot finish one thing in its entirety in one sitting. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that information is so easily accessible in a sort of pre-packaged, sterile format. The problem with receiving information so quickly with no real effort, is that learning and thinking fall by the wayside. I've been thinking that my brain needs a tune up for some time now, so I decided to start my re-boot yesterday. I went to Border's and bought three books, all science-related. One on the writings of the famous psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, whose theories match my beliefs and opinions pretty exactly, if exactly can be pretty; one on decoding the universe; and one on the subject of intelligence and how it technically manifests itself in the brain. If these books don't wake my subconscious up, I don't know what will. Speaking of the subconscious, Julia Louis Dreyfuss was in my dream last night. It was bizarre. I was in my bed, which was on the sidewalk on, like, 6th Avenue and she was standing at the end of it looking at a map, trying to figure out which way to go. She didn't see me there. Then this businessman came up behind her and was looking over her shoulder at the map. She gave him a look that was like 'WTF do you want?' but he just continued to stand there. I got annoyed, because my attention to the matter was disrupting my sleep and I screamed, "Dude, WTF?" and they both looked at me. Weird. Then I was walking barefoot down what seemed like 34th Street, but it was kind of desolate, at the edge of the city. I was going to the movies and was wondering why i had no shoes on. I kept thinking i was going to cut my feet but I kept feeling the bottom of them and they were incredibly soft and I couldn't feel anything sharp when i walked. All of a sudden I was in a car on the Cross Island Parkway (is it a parkway, or an expressway?) and kept almost getting into accidents because the brake did not work. Then Reese Witherspoon was standing in front of the car moving around like a ghost (I can't remember if she had feet). I don't think I killed her. Anyone care to analyze that dream? Where's Carl when you need him?

March 24, 2006

Hey...you never know

Ladies and gentlemen, it is finally Friday. This has been the longest week of my life. Although next week is my last week at Bloomie's, so I am sure it will drag on for months and months. So, there is this calendar on my desk that was made by this woman I work with (Joe Pesci) and on the 20th, it says, "Spring Begins Officially." Is there a time that it unofficially begins? Just wondering. Does it unoficially begin if the weather is nice? But how do we know if the weather is going to be nice? Should we put "Spring might unofficially begin, we're not sure..." somewhere else on our calendars before the 20th? SHOULD WE? Answer now. I bought lottery tickets for the first time in my life last night for some reason. I'm not going to go through the whole story here because Vicky heard it already ad nauseum and might kill me if she hears it again...and she reads this site rather regularly so I must cater to her as she is a loyal fan. Yeah, so...bought lottery tickets and had no idea what I was doing so I asked what the difference was between the games and the guy was like, "more money." If you're going to play the lottery, wouldn't you always want to play for the game that pays out the most? Nahh, I don't need $15million, $400 is just fine! I guess the odds are different...I don't know - I DON'T PLAY. I don't really like gambling. It bores me. Anyway (yay...fake segue time!), last night Vicky and I went out with Tim to this German place he frequents - Zum Schneider. Tim sucked down some weiner schnitzel (sp?) and Vicky and I opted for the chicken. Fascinating, I know. (P.S. If you wanna save Zum Schneider from extinction (the landlord is trying to evict them), sign the petition on their website so Tim can eat his starchy German food upon his return from Ireland.) Tim leaves very soon but there is still another going-away gala next week. This is all very reminiscent of Sully's 12 going-away parties. Obviously, it is very difficult for people to leave me. Anyway.

March 23, 2006

It's a good day

So the meeting with my accountant went well. Ooh, I love saying that: My Accountant. It makes it seem like I actually have money to account for. Good times. I don't know what magical web of numbers he was weaving, but I don't owe nearly as much as I thought I was going to owe to the feds, and the state owes ME money. Ahhh, what a load is off of my cholesterol-infused heart. I owe much of the load-lifting to Christy, who recommended this god-like accountant man to me. I see a Brother Jimmy's dinner in our future, Leaman - you can order ANYTHING on the menu, because I have an Accountant and can afford even the rib platter! Have you guys seen that new show with Julia Louis-Dreyfuss? I'm sure you've heard of it: The New Adventures of Old Christine. Quasi-irritating title, but I caught it on Monday and it's really pretty funny. And GUESS who co-stars with the fabulous Julia? WANDA SYKES! I don't really get into the whole appointment television thing, but I think I might try and see this thing because it will inspire me for my next project, which is a sitcom pilot. Yes, I just decided this morning that while I am trying to do something with the screenplay I just finished, I am going to start working on a pilot. It'll be based on Sal and the rest of the Leo family. A little bit like an updated "All in the Family," but set in a Queens pizzeria. Or maybe I'll take it to Brooklyn...we have enough Queens shows. What do you guys think? Anyway, ("anyway" is my favorite fake segue, in case you haven't noticed) I think that when I walk from my house to the subway and from the subway to work in the morning I do my best thinking. I go through about 12 different states of mind during this time, so it is never clear what sort of mood I'll decide to be in after those 20 minutes. Today, towards the tail end of my short walk to Bloominghell's corporate offices, I decided that any day that I am not diagnosed with a chronic and/or incurable disease, adbucted and killed by a sick psychopath, poisoned, fired, tortured or hit by a truck is a good day. So, today is a GOOD DAY...so far. I'll have to keep an eye out for trucks veering in my direction.

March 22, 2006

Redtime Rocks

Mornin. It's Wednesday. Mid-week. Thank God. Saw Ethan and Redtime play last night at The Bitter End. They were awesome, as usual. Ethan is mostly busy with his other totally cool band, Have Her Home By Ten,so Redtime doesn't get to rear its crazy, Jack Daniels-infused head all that often anymore. Sad, but as long as we get a fix every so often, we'll be okay, Ethan. And guess who was at Ethan's show? One of my fave singer/songwriters, the fabulous Gavin Degraw! I didn't say hi because it would've been weird and, as most of you know, I hate to be "the fan." It was cool that he was keeping it real at an NYC indie music venue, despite his success. Love him more now...he may be in the running against Derek Jeter for babydaddy status. Tonight I get the taxes done, so I'll stop talking about that soon. (Vicky, I heard that sigh of relief from here.) OH and I have made an official hair appointment. Yes, I know, many of you have requested that I refrain from cutting my hair...but really, when do I ever listen to what you say regarding my hair? You WILL be relieved to know that neither Irma from Astor Place nor Bella Bella from Supercuts will be doing the deed. I have an appointment with Rachel, a qualified stylist, on Saturday afternoon at Parlor Hair Salon. Don't ask me what I am having done to my hair, because I won't know until I get there. I've been slacking on the picture uploading, FYI, so the pics on the page today are from a bunch of different days. There are a few from my night out with Elron, her bro and my bro and a few from the day Vicky and I journeyed to a parallel universe called Inwood to watch sweet 'lil Maceo while his parents got their musical groove on at the Inwood Y. A most interesting day, indeed, capped by a delicious meal at - where else: Penelope! Anyway...must go...Bloomie's needs me.

March 21, 2006

Corduroy is how you spell it

It's bizarre - more of you log on when I don't update the site. I guess a little bit of anticipation is good for business. Anticipation for what, I don't know. Endless babbling about what I did yesterday and the day before that. Considering what I do is rather cyclical - varied in composition, but cyclical in rotation just the same - I can't imagine that I'd be saying many new things. FYI - Stanford University sucks...I won't say why. Just throwing that out there. What else? It's effing cold out and I'm not happy about it. You know, I've spent most of this winter wearing this hideous corduroy (OMG it just took me 8 tries and the use of a dictionary to spell corduroy) jacket that absolutely was not meant for the winter and I convinced myself that it was fine (I think we discussed earlier that I couldn't find THE PERFECT winter jacket, and that's why I was wearing the crappy one). Anyway, the point is that now I have this North Face jacket, but I've decided that now I am cold every day. And I cannot possibly be colder now than I was wearing the other jacket. ARE YOU ALL STILL WITH ME? I was going to go off topic before about the word corduroy but I DID NOT. I just want you to know that - I stuck with the boring coat story. So now I can ask: If you don't know how to spell a word, how do you look it up in the dictionary? I mean, I realize you can get close because you can't be THAT illiterate. (Or can you?) But take corderoy, (OK, see? I just spelled it wrong like that for real...and I'm leaving it)...I looked for it for a good 3 minutes. Okay, maybe it wasn't 3 minutes but it FELT like 3 minutes. (Although not as long as the 3 minutes that I have to jump rope in boxing class. 3 minutes, 3 times...seriously the LONGEST 9 minutes of my week.) Sorry, couldn't control that topic shift. And we're back to the spelling issue - So, the only way I was able to figure out how to spell it was to Google it (sorry Tim) and have Google ask me, "Did you mean "corduroy"? How pathetic am I that GOOGLE is effing correcting me? Even worse, I logged on to LLBean.com to confirm that c-o-r-d-u-r-o-y was, indeed, the correct spelling. I mean, if LLBean can't spell corduroy, who can? Ugh...anyway...taxes tomorrow. Wish me luck.

March 17, 2006

When Narcolepsy Attacks...

You may or may not notice that there are new pictures up today. You may or may not notice because they are of the same people the last batch is of. Is that proper grammar? I don't know grammar rules. The only reason I can write a sentence at all is because I've read other people's correct sentences in books and magazines and the like and I just imitate their structure. Seriously. It's not only grammar that I suck at. Roman numerals, theories of economics, most math - the minute someone mentions or asks me to apply any of these things to my reality it's like they are speaking in Charlie Brown adult-speak. I hear wa-wa-waaaa-wa-wa. I would love to watch my brain synapses (or whateverthehell corresponds to what area of the brain is working at any given time) shut down when someone mentions the word preposition or the phrase gross domestic product or asks me how many quarts are in a liter, if quarts are even in liters. Como se whaaa? Where are my rollerblades? I'm going to the movies. Where's my cat? I'm sorry, I'm busy cleaning out my junk drawer. Yeah...I'm kind of useless at times. Oh, and I am slowly becoming narcoleptic. I'm not kidding. Ask anyone. I'll be out and all of a sudden I'll look at whoever I am with, all wide-eyed and exclaim, "Oh my GOD I have to go to sleep right now." And I DO! Well, I guess it isn't proper narcolepsy because if it was, you wouldn't have time to even let people know you needed to pass out, right? The only thing that can save me when I get to this point is a good Michael Jackson song. Maybe I should start tap-dancing again...everything has gone south since I stopped the tap-dancing. Speaking of physical activity, I went to yoga last night. I am seriously the LEAST flexible person that ever lived. You could build a skyscraper on my hamstrings, they are so damn tight. My knee hurts today, too. Waaaaah wahhh wahhhhhh. WHERE ARE MY VIOLINS? Okay, I'm really rambling today. I'll leave you to your thoughts. Happy youknowwhat's day. Vicky and I are planning an anti-celebration of sorts because we are very contrary and obnoxious. We will be going to a bistro that is either Italian, German or French and then we will search for the least popular bar in New York and hang out until my narcolepsy kicks in. Feel free to join us.

March 16, 2006

Julia Roberts is not a vegetarian

I'm slacking, I know. I didn't update you guys all of last week and I missed yesterday. My excuse is that I am exhausted and have actually been quite busy here at Bloominghell's. It is so much easier to actually get work done, though, knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel: unemployment! Who knows what I'll be doing next month! I'll let you know when the anxiety starts to kick in. Last night Ellen, her bro Greg and my brother, Brain (yes I'm spelling it like that on purpose) went to Blue Smokeand had the TASTIEST meal I've had in a while. Yum, yum and yum. Oh and some of you might care to know that Julia Roberts was at the table behind us. Ellen tried to avoid checking her out the whole time (I saw you sneaking peaks, Elron...I SAW) and Brain, true to his nickname, had no idea that she was even there. The Roberts sighting got me pondering... pondering about the reasons why people get so obsessed with other people just because said other people are well-known. I mean, I have been known to be psyched to meet certain people (Maureen Dowd!), but for the most part, it is because I am familiar with their work (work other than movie roles, i mean) and I respect them or are very interested in something specific they've done with their lives. But why would you want to meet someone just because a lot of people know who they are? I don't understand that. I remember being at a beauty PR event once for...I can't remember who it was for, but Liv Tyler was there. And it was so odd speaking to her. It was such a bizarrely contrived situation. I don't know Liv Tyler, she doesn't know me and because other people happen to know who she is, she is the face of some makeup brand that I can't even remember (great PR job on their part! but then again, I am not someone who remembers things normally). So we are standing there, I'm guzzling champagne (it's only noon), and we are discussing her pregnancy and her broken-out skin. We both just wanted to get the hell out of there. I'm so glad I don't have to go to PR events anymore. Pain. Full. Must now go to a meeting about westchesta furniture outlet ads. Joy!

March 14, 2006

Irrelevant Matters

I'm BACK. Wow, it's been a whole week since I've written. Ugh...I just got interrupted by one of my co-workers who specializes in irrelevant matters. Every conversation we have ends with me pausing for a moment, nodding my head and walking away. People who narrate things annoy me - "I'm going to do this...I'm going to do that..." OhforGodssakejustDOIT. And it would be one thing if the thing they were going to do affected me, but most often it DOES NOT. You know, if they were like, "I'm going to fire this gun at you," I might wanna know that. But if it's all about - "I'm going to run the furniture picture above the mattress picture in this advertisement," you can be assured that I DON'T CARE. I suppose this sort of attitude is the reason I will no longer be working at Bloomie's after March 31st. Yes, that is right, my friends, this gig is up! (Meredith, are you reading this?) But before I leave, they've decided to torture me by moving my desk into Yappers Row. I am surrounded by the most annoying, inane conversations. And all of the people yapping have the most high pitched voices. Putting on the headphones now...hang on. Better. But now I won't hear Irrelevant Matters when she sneaks up behind me to tell me that "Oh, Robert, found this error in these ads...oh, wait...there is no error...oh, that's right...nevermind." Snore. ANYWAY - I'm psyched to be out of here at the end of the month, but of course there is no specific job in my future, so that is a bit worrisome. I will try not to stress until after I've paid my taxes. In the meantime, if anyone hears of anything, feel free to forward info my way. I'm going to post pictures from Sully's FINAL going away party today when I get my act together so check back. OH, and I finally finished my screenplay revise. I'll be giving it the once over for spelling and grammar issues and then I'll give it to whoever wants it so you can give me your humble opinions. Thank you for your attention, biatches and enjoy your Tuesday.

March 06, 2006

The 78th Annual Conference on Scientology

It's after midnight on Sunday. I am working with Christy tomorrow on Conviction, so I'll be offline most or all of the day. No Bloomie's for 4 days this week! Intense. Just finished watching the Oscar snoozefest. Jon Stewart was hilarious, of course, but other than that, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Okay, maybe I'll give some props to Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin...their bit was funny. It was an odd and uneven show...everybody seemed pissed off. "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" won for best song! WTF? It's not the fact that it's a pimp song that bothers me...it's that it is the WORST song ever. Here are the awards they forgot to hand out:

Worst Dressed: Charlize Theron

Most Incapable of the I-Don't-Care-that-I-Didn't-Win Face: Joaquin Phoenix

Most Derivative Actress: Reese Witherspoon

The Most Oxymoronic Song Performance: The "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" theatrical extravaganza.

Best Supporting Actress: Catherine Keener

Most Irritating: The March of the Penguins people marching up to the stage with stuffed penguins

Most Uncomfortable with a Teleprompter: Lauren Bacall

Sweetest and most eloquent acceptance speech: Rachel Weisz

The We-Couldn't-Find-Anyone-Else-To-Present-Award: TIE!!! Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez

Best Drunk: Meryl Streep

Worst Drunk: Sandra Bullock

Most Happy With Himself: Jack Nicholson

Most in Need of a Haircut: Tom Hanks

Phew...I'm exhausted and I must go to bed or I am going to pay for it tomorrow. You'll notice that there are lots of pics up from Kate's going-away surprise party that was on Friday. Kate, look how much everybody loves ya!!!!

March 03, 2006

China That is Casual

It's quite possible that I am in a MOOD today. I'm not exactly sure yet because I haven't had to interact with any people for an extended amount of time. Had a great boxing class last night. My instructor gave me the workout of my life. Of course now I am tired and stuck at Bloomie's, staring at spreads of Villeroy and Boch "Casual China." Casual China. I believe that's an oxymoron, no? Ellen, Melissa...next time we order from Rice, let's take out the Casual China. It is China or it isn't, no? Is China even capped? One of the lines that was in the piece as it ran last year: "Perfect for today's uncomplicated lifestyle." Well, if you ask me, creating a whole new category of ChInA is just mucking things up and making things more complicated. But anyway. My mind is a vicious black hole today. I just read that some 45-year-old guy in India wrapped a film in 2 hours. He was trying to beat some World Record. Turns out he's already produced 110 films, so I guess the fool works fast, anyway. I call him a fool only out of jealousy. Can you imagine being that motivated? One Hundred and Ten films! I have 20 pages left to revise in my screenplay. He'll probably produce 20 more films in the time it takes me to finish my revision. I'm rereading this right now and I think it is clear that, YES, I AM in a mood. I think I need a liquid lunch. I think that would be okay, no? After all, IT'S CASUAL CHINA FRIDAY!!!!!!

March 02, 2006

MySpace is a People Cheese Platter

I think I'm delirious. I'm perusing the Yahoo! headlines this morning and I see this headline: "Disgraced Bulge May Cause Thermal Unrest." Turns out it was really two headlines and I was morphing them into one. What the headlines really were: "Disgraced Cloning Scientist Questioned" and "Yellowstone Bulge May Cause Thermal Unrest." Glad we cleared that up, but really, wasn't my headline more interesting? I would have read THAT story. As it is, of COURSE some bulge somewhere is causing thermal unrest and I've read enough about that scientist...so whatever. I'm not linking to the stories, because I don't want to. So if you are interested in the bulge or the scientist, happy Yahoo!-ing. (Don't Google - fight the power!) Had a lovely dinner last night, courtesy of Charlotte, with entertainment by one Jack Henry Greene. Charlotte, with a name like that, he's either destined to write short stories or have his own clothing line. One of those. If he does create his own clothing line, tell him to stay away from calling anything that's brown-colored by the name "plantation." Bloomingdale's doesn't seem to know any better, but I'd expect more from JHG. I played on MySpace last night for way too long. It's like a people candy store. Well, maybe not a candy store, since I'm only an occasional candy fan. How about a people cheese platter? Yes - MySpace is a people cheese platter. Actually, that's pretty accurate, since MySpace is cheesy in the cheezy sense, too. (What? I don't know.) I know there are those of you that are resisting its power (Ellen, Kate, Dana...), but you should know that there are so many awesome folks on there. It's so fun to find someone cool and then check out their friends and their friends friends and so on. I sound like I'm 12 years old right now. It's totally rad, guys! Toats! Cyberfriends rather than real live friends. I'm an ass...but I'm an amused ass, so you can kiss my ass. How about all of that? Yes, I'm punchy today. Perhaps because I went to bed late. Perhaps because in addition to those science headlines, I saw this: "Laura Bush Visits Indian Sesame Street." Everything about that headline annoys me. EVERYTHING. I'm going to boxing tonight to cleanse my soul. If anyone drove to work today and they live in the tri-state-area, please go home now so I don't worry about you driving in this weather. Tell your boss/pimp I said you could leave. Thank you and good day.

P.S.Can someone remind me to BUY CAT FOOD later. I have NONE. (Note: Before you call PETA, you should know that Emma actually benefited from me being a neglectful and incompetent owner this morning because I gave her a can of real tuna fish instead.) OMG, Fancy Feast is going to be soooo ghetto for her after today. It's like flying first class, ya know? You can't go back to coach. I mean I guess it is...I've never flown first class. Cue violins.

March 01, 2006

Holy crap, it's March.

Holy crap...It's MARCH! Wow. That means it has been almost a year that I quit my steady magazine job for the unknown. You see, people...you CAN survive instability! In fact, after the panic attacks subside, it's invigorating. I'm working with Christy again on Conviction next week for three days. In preparation of the fact that I'll probably be freezing the whole time, I FINALLY bought myself something akin to a winter coat. I don't think I've had a winter coat in YEARS. I'm not sure why this is the case. Am I stubborn? Stupid? Oblivious? Do I enjoy torturing myself? Check. Check. Check. and Check, please. I think my reason for not having a winter coat was that I couldn't find one I liked. I guess that could be a plausible excuse (in my world, anyway), but yesterday I went to the store and there were, like, 4 styles left. This is because, well, you know, we are well into the damn season. So I buy the style that was the most acceptable (and was available in midget size). Of course this means that my stupid excuse as to why I didn't have a coat before is worth nada because I just settled for what was left. I am an idiot. Last night was relatively low-key. Went to this reading organized by my friend Deb called Scratch It at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction,where journalists, editors and other creative folk read their writings, play music, etc. Deb insists that I should read next time and I'm thinking - ME, prattle on and on about something and force people to listen...SO not my style. Ha. ha. Yeah, but writing is one thing, reading it in public is another thing. I mean, I can't SEE you people nodding off at your desks while reading about my new jacket. And that's IF you are even reading it to begin with (Ellen). (What good is it to chastise someone about not reading something if they are not reading it and won't know they are being chastised? I think I mentioned it earlier - I'm an idiot.) Anyway, the event was a good time and congrats on a great turnout, Deb. Had a horrific slice of pizza on the lower east side (I can't even go into what was wrong with it, because it would take me an entire entry) and then visited BFF and Vicky at The Skinnyon Orchard Street, where he was DJ-ing. The bar is a fabulous dive, with cheap drinks, cool people and a great ambiance. Good times. Was well behaved and got home at a decent hour. The end. Oh, Vicky, I forgot to give you your headphones.