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February 28, 2006

My Cat is the Boss of Me

My cat is the boss of me. I was awoken this morning at 6:30am by a loud noise. Bang! Bang! Bangbangba-ng-gggg..g. (That's EXACTLY the sound it made.) I go into the living room and this small, rather heavy glass bowl is spinning like a top on the floor. Emma is sitting at the other end of the room staring at me. The glass didn't break, thank God. Little miss cat obviously felt it was time for me to prepare her breakfast. I know she is the boss of me because, while I was tempted to go back to sleep right away and NOT appease her, all I could think of was the fact that she would knock over everything in the living room, knicknack by knicknack, vase by vase, picture frame by picture frame, until I filled her bowl with a salmon feast. Anyway. Feeling much better today. OH, so there is a new Dunkin Donuts at the exit of my subway now. Dunkin coffee is my favorite, but I don't think I can get this coffee, because my coffee cart guy would be totally offended. Today he asked me where I was yesterday, so I know he notices. And there is no way I can sneak by him without him seeing me. What to do...what to do.... Recuperated last night with an evening of bad TV. Since I don't watch much prime time TV anymore, it was all rather interesting. Skating with Celebrities is, by far, the WEIRDEST show EVER. I'm watching an aging Bruce Jenner drag around some skater I don't know and the whole time I'm just terrified that Bruce is going to break his neck. Wife Swap was entertaining. There was this dude on there that was the BIGGEST tool EVER. He made someone like Donald Trump look downright gracious. Speaking of The Donald, I wasn't going to watch his new Apprentice after his Martha bashing, but I happened to see someone I knew among the contestants. I know I've told most of you this already, so sorry for repeating myself. So the guy I know is DAN. DAN that I gave the show application to...DAN who shared his tent with me on the casting call line for 8 freezing hours...DAN who told the group at our table that he would hire me. (Dan, I'll be in touch if you win.) THIS Dan.So now I think I have to watch the show and see what happens to Mr. Brody. Okay - must work on the ONE DAY SALE catalog now. Crying.

February 27, 2006

Once upon a weekend...

Not in good shape today. Holding on by a thread. Sleep-deprived and water deprived. Were you all chomping at the bit waiting for my entry?? Weekend was a great, overall. Serge Lacroix's going away party was on Friday. We met at Bill's Gay Nineties.I SWEAR that is what it is called and I have no idea why or what that means. The bar has been around for decades and used to be a speakeasy. It's a gem of a place and they serve AWESOME chicken wings. ACTUAL chicken wings. None of that hot wing bullshit. After that, we trekked across town in the freeeeeezing cold to Tout Va, where we depleted their supply of red wine, among other things. (There is absolutely nothing but dead air in my brain right now, so this entry is very difficult for me to write. Please to forgive me if it is boring.) Anyway, shout out to Serge - goodbye and good luck. You will be missed, but a new phase of your life is beginning. Embrace it! Good times are ahead. Keep in touch. (Re: the aforementioned trekk across town, please witness Victoria and her husband from a past life, Lino, and their masterful, synchronized strut.) P.S. Hi, Jeff! On Saturday, Ellen, Vicky Kara, Jessica, Ryan and I went to the Hudson Hotel to celebrate Jessica's sister Meredith's birthday. We had an excellent time, save for the bleached blonde psychic who told Meredith the rest of her life was going to suck. Blondie was lucky she left with her face intact. Yeah...dat's how I talk and shit when I get pissed awwwf. Aks anyone. Had a night of debauchery last night with my new friend Charlotte. First, enjoyed drinks concocted by the fabulous Stuart (is that how you spell his name, Charlotte?) at O'Nieal's in Little Italy, danced on the bar more than once at Coyote Ugly and made a brief appearance at Starlight before retiring for the evening. I'm thoroughly and utterly exhausted, but I have to say, it was well worth it.

February 24, 2006

Duvels, Duvet and the Ever-Present Alan Cumming

Painful morning. You see, last night I accompanied Jonathan to a photography opening and something else - what was it, JTW? A portfolio release? - (I'm having another Molinari moment...OMG, Jonathan, we are so calling my memory lapses Molinari moments.) You see, I was trying to remember the last name of this PR woman that i used to work with and it took me a good 20 minutes to access it in my "brain" (I use that word lightly). Mild autism. I have it. Anyway her last name is Molinari, so, Chris, if you're "listening" (which I hope you are absolutely NOT, but you never know), I remembered your name. OKAY. So JTW (for the uninitiated, this stands for Jonathan-the-Wise) Pozniak had MORE than 2 glasses of champagne last night. UnbeLIEVEable. How do you feel today, sir? I would've been fine if I would've GONE HOME like a good girl, but no. THIS is the problem with champagne. As I've said before, it is the devil's drink. I wandered around Soho and ended up sitting on the bench on Mercer Street watching Johnny Knoxville look for his car and telling my brother that his blue tooth headset was going to microwave his brain. I started chatting with a nice young lad named Bill and he was waiting for friends to call him back and I was waiting for a callback from anyone who was up for going out (CHAMPAGNE'S FAULT) so we went into the bar in the Mercer Hotel. Bill and I had Duvels and talked about the meaning of life for 45 minutes and then called it a drink. Then Chris texted me to say he was with his boys at Duvet. Breaking my NO-clubs-ALL-the-time policy, I went to hang with them. Had a MOST excellent time. Lots of room to dance like a crazy person and lots of friendly people (shout out to this random dude Rory, who told me what list to say I was on so I didn't have to pay a cover). Chris and his fabulous friends were entertaining, as usual. Alan Cummings was loitering about. (It seems I can't go anywhere these days without bumping into him. That's saying something about me and I don't know what that something is but I'm scared.) Also, A terrifying-looking Amanda Lepore appeared in some bizarre lingerie get-up and a large, rather plump woman was walking around with only pasties and a thong on. Oh, Duvet. That's all I can say. Got home at 3am and proceeded to eat half a block of cheese. I just opened one end of it and started chomping on it as one would chomp on a candy bar. Classy. I am hesitant to check my Yahoo! sent mail folder because I am pretty sure I drunk emailed last night. If you were one of the lucky recipients of such an email, please close your eyes, delete the email, click your heels three times and say "Champagne, Champagne, Champagne. Spawn of Satan. Champagne." JTW, if only I had gone to yoda class. If only. Oh well...we live...we learn. Good Night and Good Luck.

February 23, 2006

You say sashimi, I say...okay.

Good morning. And that it is, mostly. I am a bit tired and a little puffy. Last night, Elzer, Sully and I went to Nobu for Kate's 3rd going away party. HOLY SASHIMI SALAD! They made me try it, and I am glad they did. Ridiculously delicious. They made me try the squid pasta, too, and while I loved it, I still couldn't get past the fact that it was squid. Chicken flesh, somehow, doesn't bother me if I think about it, but squid...well...I don't know. I guess it's just that squids remind me of slugs and slugs are gross. Yes, I think it is as simple as that. Chickens don't remind me of slugs. I had a delicious dirty martini (hence the puffiness - FROM ONE MARTINI! ugh) and Kate had some interesting concoction involving sake and cucumbers. 18 courses later we headed over to Odessato see BFF. Vicky was supposed to meet us but I'm guessing she put her head down for a moment and fell into a deep sleep. Vicky? What's yer excuse? Had a lovely conversation with a man from Kosovo named Erol. If you're logging on (yes I gave him the URL to my site), HI EROL! (Is that how you spell your name?) Sully left soon after and Elzer and I weren't too far behind. A solid evening all around. BFF, I'd put up your pic, but you have wicked red eyes and for some reason I can't find the red eye tool on my photoshop (I always fix red eye in my iPhoto). I am lapsing into boring babble now, so I'll leave you. There is a very small chance that I will go to yoda tonight. I'm not sure if the world order can take me going twice in a week, so I am playing it by ear. I don't wanna usher in armageddon or anything. Very unselfish of me, no? I am thinking of you bitches...always. Have a lovely one.

February 22, 2006

Happy Birthday, Dana!


Your birthday wishes will take the place of my entry today, for now, because I am stuck in One Day Sale catalog hell. I may be back later to discuss the horrific letter that Donald Trump "sent" to Martha Stewart. He is such an asshole. Okay, so...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FABULOUS FRIEND DANA...I hope you are having a wonderful day off and you treat yourself to something nice. I owe you a drink or ten once the kid is born. Love ya!

February 18, 2006

We found yet another porthole to an alternate reality

I normally save my weekend summary for Monday, but since Monday is a holiday and Tuesday I am going to be totally swamped with finishing copy for the April One Day Sale catalog..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh, sorry - just thinking about it put me under. Who needs warm egg nog to put them to sleep when they've got banter about Bloomingdale's? SPEAKING OF EGG NOG...On Friday night, Vicky, Jolie, Nicole and I hit Employees Only , a restaurant/bar in the West Village. Since Jolie knew the entire staff there, we were treated like gold. The food was so-so, but the ambiance was excellent. I'd recommend it for drinks (which are amazing...try the "West Side") and maybe a shared appetizer. Not so sure the entrées are worth the price. After dinner we all decided to look for a coffee place. (Yes...coffee. we are getting old.) On the island of a million Starbucks, however, we somehow could NOT find ANYWHERE to go and ended up in the most brightly lit bar in NYC: Rolf's. I guess the bartender had gone home for the night and the guy behind the bar - let's call him Renaldo - decided there really wasn't much that he had to offer us to drink. It probably had something to do with the fact that there was absolutely no one there save for us and a few vagabonds and the very flamboyant German owner, Robert. Anyway, Vicky asked Renaldo if he had wine. His reply, in broken English, "No, not reaaaaaallly." Next up, I asked him what I should have to drink. Renaldo says, without missing a beat, "Egg nog." So of course I had egg nog. That's when things got out of control. Renaldo started BLASTING the most bizarre mix of music I've ever heard in my life. (That's saying a lot, considering the crap that is on my iPod.) It was Madonna one minute, disco the next and we heard that song, "Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting," at least twice. Robert regaled us with tortured tales of unreciprocated love for priests for some time before finally dancing the night away with Nicole. It was a most amusing evening. When I asked Renaldo if there was a check, he said. "It's all done." And it was. We departed. I've figured out how to embed mpegs onto the page so now you are ALL doomed. Not only will I be snapping stills of you, but I'll have clips of you in action. Jolie, you are my first victim. See a snippet of our evening at Rolf's below. Saturday I did ABSOLUTELY nothing. Wow. You can't imagine a less productive day. Emma (my cat) decided that I should get up at 8am. She made this known by knocking over a vase filled with water in the living room. Thankfully she didn't break the vase, but the water - everywhere...pouring onto wires and whatnot. Pain. In. My. Ass. Managed to go back to sleep and then didn't wake up until noon-ish. Turned on the computer, had a chicken meatball and then played on my website all frickin' day. You probably won't even notice much of a difference. Oh well. On Sunday, Ellen was back from shooting in the Yucatán sans luggage but she was in good spirits. Met her out early evening at Bar Veloce, a tiny little wine bar on 2nd Ave that is as well known for a 2002 incident involving a gun–wielding maniac as it is for its Morellino red. We chowed down on cheese there and left, unscarred, to meet Kate Sullivan (who has TAKEN A JOB IN CHICAGO and moving there on March 9th) at Pete's Tavern. Intense! We will miss you, Sully, but you won't be able to get rid of us. And so we begin 3 weeks of going away parties. Let the chronicles begin. Damn - this is getting long. You still there? Okaaaay. What else? Monday was an intensely productive day thanks to my idiot cat. She woke me up AGAIN at 8am. Had today off. Wanted to sleep in. You can't always get what you want (xoxo, Mick). The cat was annoying and in my face, so I groggily flicked my hand at her and it landed on the side of her nose (I USUALLY MISS WHEN I SWAT AT HER! Don't call PETA on me). She was offended and left the room. I felt bad. But then two seconds later I hear this sound. She's playing with something. The sound gets louder and louder and then this little object comes flying into the room. I am NOT even kidding...she fished out dried poop from her litter box and flung it into my room. She full-on did it on purpose. Biatch. Anyway, I just got up and did about 400 things I'd been putting off for the past month. Ellen and Melissa redecorated the living room. (It looks lovely, girls. Really.) Oh, and I'm catching Ellen's OCD – I was cleaning my desk and I started to remove all of the colored pens from the pen holder, leaving just gray (is it grey or gray...I never know) or black pens. Can you even? Ellen, you are d.e.d. - dead. Oh, I finally got my Sirius radio to work. I wasn't getting a signal so I tried the CAR antenna with the home dock instead of the receiver that came with it and now I have the signal loud and clear. Was finally able to listen to Alexis' show, which was absolutely hilarious. A cool bonus of having to listen to the radio with headphones at my desk was that I banged out 20 pages of my screenplay revise. I will, however and most likely, be deaf in 4 years considering that between my iPod and my Sirius player I will spend the better part of each day with headphone buds in my ears. Okay, I'm ending this entry now, because it is OUT OF CONTROL and I am sure I'm just chatting away to myself at this point. I will probably (no - hopefully, if I know what's good for me) be M.I.A. on line for much of tomorrow because I have to buckle down (yes...BUCKLE) and finish the stupid one day sale shit. Happy Tuesday, my loves. I'm going to yoga later. Pray that Jen's back and we don't have a crazy sub.

February 17, 2006

Mr. Moana

It's Friday! And it's a long weekend. And this is good, because I am still exhausted. My body clock is all kinds of effed up. So the fabulous Cristin recommended this place to get a good massage and I went yesterday after work. THANK YOU, Cristin. It was awesome. The place is called Graceful Services. It is very unassuming. One of those 2nd floor walkups. Absolutely NO frills, only a great massage. And it is cheap. I would totally recommend it. Although if you don't get a private room, there are just curtains separating the stations and you may be forced to endure 40-something Groaning Man. Holy crap - between the soft music and Mr. Moana, it sounded like a frickin' porn flick. Geez. The massage lady was saying to him, "Is everysing okay?" He's like, "Yeaaaaaaah." Ew. Met Christopher for dinner last night and we hit Penelope and Vig 27. I was so tired I had to go home after that. Pathetique. Anyway, if anyone needs a copyeditor or proofreader, let me know...Christopher is looking for a gig. Oh, Donna found this website...check it out: OverheardInNewyork.com.It's pretty damn funny. And if you are bored, log onto Bored.com and play the block game, or create your own band. It's distracting and it'll keep you awake if you are nodding off at your desk. I found it yesterday because I was - SURPRISE! - bored. Can you imagine how bored you have to be to Google the word "bored"? Yeah, well, I was there. And sorry, Tim...I did not Google it, I Yahoo'ed it, as Yahoo! has the better search engine. I say this because you tell me this is true and I believe you, even THOUGH my website shows up 3rd in the results in Google and is on, like, page 7 after a Yahoo! search. But whatev...maybe Yahoo! can distinguish between crap and good content better than Google. And now, I must tackle the April One Day Sale catalog. (I'm crying right now.) Have a lovely Friday.

February 16, 2006

Back to Bloomie's

Hey guys...I'm back! Didya miss me? Had an interesting and exhausting 3 days. Navigated cases of water and coffee through snowy streets, froze my ass off, mopped floors, dodged crazy assistant directors. It was a blast. My muscles are killing me. I don't think a week has gone by in the past two months that I haven't been sore. Anyone know of a place I can get a good massage without an appointment!? Working on set for 3 days reminded me of how much I despise having a regular schedule, sitting in a cubicle, etc. etc. On my way home last night I stopped into this adorable Spanish wine bar called Bar Jamon. Was having a very nice glass of red with a cheese plate when TEN annoying people came in. Keep in mind that this place seats about 18 total. My quiet place RUINED, I threw on the headphones and began journaling like a mad woman. I'm restless... LOOK OUT. Have a pile of work here that I must catch up on. Hope you are all fabulous. Fill me in when you get a chance. And if I owe you an email or a phone call, sorry! Will be in touch as soon as I can. -xoxo h

February 12, 2006

Tough Prime Rib and a Cash Bar!

Well this is a first - I'm doing my entry the night before the entry date. I don't like it because it feels pre-recorded and I am not inspired by something that's of the moment. You know... something that I read or hear or think about in the time it takes for me to hit snooze forty times, take a too-long shower, throw on the pants I sometimes wear twice in a week because they don't need ironing, squeeze myself into a subway car, dodge 3 menu hander outers, peruse the free daily newspapers at stoplights, get coffee from the cart guy, shmooze with security guards so I can get into the Bloomie's building without showing ID, read the elevator news feed thing and rush to my desk so no one can see I'm late. It's only a 2-hour time span, but it is fertile ground for my wayward thoughts. Right now I am just exhausted and not able to finish this writing project I am doing as a favor for this photographer and have yet to email Matt with ideas for this new website he has launched called TwoMinuteUpdate.com. Please log on to his site today and every day this week, because he needs hits on the URL. It's a work in progress but ultimately Matt wants to make it kind of like his own version of SNL's "Weekend Update." So log on, lovelies. And give him suggestions. So - the weekend - went to the HRC's gala dinner and charity benefit at the Waldorf on Saturday night with Chris and lots of his fabulous friends. The company was divine, but the food was rather crappy. Tough prime rib with about 4 string beans. Dessert wasn't up my alley, either. AND, there was a cash bar at the after party. Unbelievable. Anyway, we had a good time despite these things, as you can see by the smiles on the faces of all of the dapper young men that are in these pics. Ang Lee made some wonderful remarks at the event and Anne Hathaway proved that she has a decent sense of humor. Who knew? I'm sleepy now and I have to be up at 4:30am because I am working with Christy and Gary on the set of the new NBC show Conviction for the next 3 days. For this reason, I will not be by a computer, so don't think I am e-neglecting you on purpose. Happy Monday and I hope no one has trouble navigating this crazy ass snow that's everywhere. What's up, global warming! How goes it?! Mmmmhmmm.

February 10, 2006


It's Friday and I'm sleepy and tomorrow's the HRC charity dinner and it's going to snow a LOT on Saturday night AND my Sirius radio is NOT working. That's what is going on. Also, DANA FOUND OUT HER BABY IS GOING TO BE A GIRL! She promises that Cecelia will not be forced to wear pink and will be fully exposed to fishing, model trains, the Dukes of Hazzard, Star Wars and the colors blue, green and brown. Cecelia will also be taught to lay carpet, as child labor laws are not really enforced in her county. I went to yoda last night (yoda=yoga) with Christy and Darryl. Although last night, the yogurt instructor (oh, I guess I'm calling it yogurt now) was the farthest thing from the little green man that one could imagine. I don't think she was a real person. She was fleshy and stretchy and speaking nonsense for most of the time. Seriously. Literally. Nonsense. To me, anyway. She was very hyper and loud and not at all peaceful and karmic and all of that. She was a sub for Jen, who I now appreciate more than ever (Jonathan warned me about substitutes but, alas, I did not listen). AND her class was damn hard. If I would've gone to her for my first time I might never have returned. The boxing and yogurt have left me in a state of constant pain, but I am beginning to get used to it. My body is in shock. It's like - woah, where's my onion dip and where is the nearest couch? Stop disturbing me! So I'm definitely working with Christy next week for three days on the NBC show she and Gary have been working on. It should be interesting! Will keep you posted (whether you like it or not). Have great weekends, my friends.

February 09, 2006

Has Anyone Seen Sly?

You know, with all of the cartoon riots and environmental disasters and, um, the war in Iraq, one would think it would be impossible to have a slow news day - especially in New York. I'm sure someone was plotting something yesterday. But no, CBS news devoted a full 4 minutes or so last night to the "Undercover Kitty" that busted a phony veterinarian. Ask Ellen - a FULL 4-minute segment! THERE WAS A PRESS CONFERENCE with the cat! The Brooklyn DA was there! I cannot even. And today, I get an AM New York tabloid shoved into my hand and a giant cat is staring at me in the face. WTF? Did you guys watch the Grammys last night? I missed Madonna, but that's probably a good thing because when I see her live, I am reminded that she can't actually sing. (Sorry, Jonathan...Christopher...Jason.) I'm not saying I don't have a good time listening to her songs. I just don't actually need to see her try and sing the songs. She belongs in a studio flanked by professional sound engineers at all times. Mariah sounded good, Christina was even better. Poor Faith Hill was entirely flat and somewhat off-key for much of her boring song and Sly Stone was effing hilarious. I love it that no one controls Mr. Stone. He shows up for 2 verses and then just leaves. Who else gets away with that shit? Priceless. And it's not like he is a diva...he just marches to his own beat. You GO, Sly. Keep it real. Here's a question for you all - why is it that when white rock stars age, they kinda look gross - ie. Steven Tyler last night and Mick Jagger and crew at the Superbowl – but black rock stars look cooler and cooler as they get older? It doesn’t matter how fat or grey they get…they still look totally funky. I mean, Sly had a HUGE blonde Mohawk and he didn’t look that bad. Not the white guys… yuck. A 64 year old man in tapered leather low-riders is just plain gross. Ew. Bruce was the one exception…he looked good. James Taylor, unfortunately, looked a bit like a serial killer. Congrats to U2 for all of their wins. Bono was so intensely honest about his father. Bizarrely personal, almost – but he was probably drunk. I may have a possible freelance gig with Christy next week, but I have to figure out if I can take time off here to do it. I’ll keep you posted. I know you are on the edge of your seats. Tonight – yoga! Happy Thursday.

February 08, 2006

Controlled Wildfires

Got three hours of sleep again last night. WHAT is wrong with me? I am addicted to the computer. Addicted. Chris Steel, how do you embed an mp3 in a web page? This is simple stuff and I can't figure it out. I'm reading this article in National Geographic about how love and obsessive-compulsive disorder have a similar chemical profile. So very interesting. I will share excerpts when I come across something good - in honor of dreaded Valentine's Day. Read on the elevator news thingy today that a wildfire in California was ignited by a controlled burn. Is that technically possible? No, I think not. I wonder who compiles that feed? That would be a cool job. You'd know a bunch of facts - useless and otherwise. You could probably use it to train for Jeopardy or something. Or not. (Today is Boy Scouts Day, FYI...and did you know the Boy Scouts originated in the UK?) I've mentioned global warming a lot recently, probably because this is already the warmest winter EVER recorded here in the US, so it's nice to know that there are a few places on the planet that we haven't destroyed - Apparently, scientists found primitive, egg-laying mammals and dozens of exotic new species in one of Indonesia's most remote provinces. VERY cool - read the story here. It is obvious that I have a.d.d. today. I'm going to start a "controlled burn" in the Bloomie's conference room now. Have a good and/or tolerable day.

February 07, 2006

Whiskey River Runs Through It

So Stupid the Idiot (my alter ego) made an appearance last night. Vicky and Ellen and I were supposed to have "one" at Penelope and then go home. 12 phone calls later from my brother (he was attempting to make it from Wall St. to 28th St. and needed mucho guidance), he met us and we headed over to Whiskey River, a low-down 20-something bar by our apartment. Did you know that the British and the Canadians spell 'whiskey' without the 'e'? Hmmm. I didn't until now. Anyway, Melissa met us and we played beer pong for hours. YES - beer pong. We drank horrific bud light by the gulpful and danced the night away. The bar was ours and ours alone. Melissa, Vicky and Ellen were so good at the beer pong that one might wonder if they were fraternity brothers in a past life. After Brian and I lost for the 18th time, Melissa and Ellen decided they would be adults and GO HOME. Ellen, you'll be happy to know that I brought your glorious Giuseppe Zanotti (sp?) keychain home because you left it there. (Nice try...I know you were attempting to unload it!) Stupid the Idiot and her brother, Brain (Brian, you TOTALLY spelled your name like that when you were 12, not 7, as you claim) continued with their ridiculousness with a game of wet bar rag football (bartender initiated) for another 20 minutes and then Stupid wouldn't leave until Louis Prima's "Just a Gigolo" played. (I used to torture Brain with this song when we were younger. I would make him sing the part that goes, hummalababelasheebalaboobala hummalababelasheebala bop... actually, it doesn't go like that, but that's what I would make him say.) After he did this, we finally left the damn bar. Brain made it home to Little Neck and made himself pizza. I was SOOO jealous...Vicky, we should've had the chicken meatballs. My stomach is a pit of nothingness right now. But it matches the state of my head, so I am somewhat balanced. So that's that. Now I will endure Bloomie's with a hangover and count the hours until I my dinner tonight on the upper East side with Cricket, Sal and a man named Artie. Joy.

February 06, 2006

Beware The Scene

All of Bloomie's is at a legal compliance meeting and I have been left to my own devices. A most fabulous way to start the week, for sure. I love being freelance! Weekend was good...mostly I did nothing, except for Saturday night, when my brother and I joined Nicole and her crew to celebrate her 29th birthday. It was a good time, no thanks to the staff at One. They were generally rude, inept and condescending. Typical trendy club atmosphere with crappy, overpriced food and a host of idiots paying $200 for a bottle of Absolut while competing with the staff for the Meatpacking District's Wannabe of the Year Prize. Despite the location, we had fun. It just goes to show that in the end, it's all about the people you are with. In the end end, however, I'd still rather go to Penelope for dinner and 119 for drinks. But that’s just me. So did you hear there was a shooting on the set of a rap video? And did you hear that Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong broke up? Next up – global warming is destroying our planet and some model is overdosing on crack in an East Village bar. THE NEWS IS SO DAMN CYCLICAL AND REPETITIVE. Same story, different players. What is wrong with rap stars? I guess they wouldn’t be able to emote with such anger and hatred on their albums if they weren’t killing each other. And celebrities? They should just stop dating each other. It’s destined for failure. Relationships are about compromise and confidence and trust and all that. You have to have your shit together in order to make things work. (This is probably why I am not in a relationship, FYI.) There are five different reasons why celebrity relationships are scientifically doomed to fail:

1. Insecurity. The majority of celebs are notoriously insecure and locked inside their own heads waiting for their manager to tell them how great they are so they can leave their compound and face the day. They can never be praised enough. They crave it, they live for it. This emotional insecurity will ultimate affect any relationship they are in and in some cases lead to drug abuse, eating disorders, etc.

2. Narcissism. If a celeb is not insecure, then he/she is probably intensely ego-driven and expects that everything go his/her way all the time. This type of celeb is unwilling to compromise EVER and gets bored if everything is not about HER/HIM. Thus, the relationship will become frustrating for him/her if his/her partner gets a huge movie deal, wins an Oscar, gets a Vanity Fair cover, doesn’t want to turn down a project to go on location with them, etc.

3. Physical gorgeousness. Celebs are pretty people, surrounded by other pretty people most of the time. They get to make out with each other because it's in the script and they travel in the same circle/bubble. If everyone was presented with these options on a regular basis, would we all remain totally faithful 24/7? One would hope so, but I think a bunch of us might succumb. Jealousy and temptation is strong in this realm. Ask Nick Lachey.

4. Delusion. Celebs sometimes love the idea of their relationship more than the relationship itself. ie. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I never believed they were in love with each other for a second. I think that the idea of bringing J-Lo home to Ma in Boston with a bazillion dollar ring on her finger was just wicked cool for Ben. Bennifer this, Bennifer that. Boring. They believed their own hype, for a little while. Then reality set in. And Ben moved on to another Jen. Idiot. But we knew that.

5. Gayness. He’s gay or she’s gay or everyone’s gay. The Church of Scientology is called in to make things right. Unfortunately, L. Ron Hubbard can only smooth things over for so many years. (ie. as many years as Tom and Nicole were together.) Travolta, your time is almost up.

Famous people: do yourselves and your future children a favor – STOP DATING EACH OTHER. Oh well, I suppose I should stop ranting now and get back to reveling in the silence before all the pod-people return (I'm not referring to you, Darryl). Enjoy the day.

February 03, 2006

Rockin' at the Rock With the Crow

Last night Ellen and I went to go see Sheryl Crow play at the new Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square. The concert was a private concert sponsored by WPLJ, but we were able to go because Jen was kind enough to ask one of her World Hunger Year board members, who happens to be the general manager of the Hard Rock, if we could crash the concert. Thanks again, Jen!! Being that the crowd consisted of WPLJ listeners and people who call into radio stations every 4 minutes, the atmosphere was interesting. New Jersey was represented well (you can go wherever you like with that statement), as was the long island suburban housewife and her reluctant husband. We were right in front of the stage - hence, the decent pictures - and for once in my damn concert-going life, I could SEE the performer because there wasn't really anyone in front of us save for two 5'5" girls. All was well, except for Amy Fisher's better-looking twin, who was perched pretty much on my shoulder after the first song. She wasn't all that heavy, but her off-beat clapping and very strange habit of adding lyrics and melodies to every song was very annoying. For example, on "Every day is a winding road," she would sing, very dramatically, after each utterance of the song title in the refrain, "road...road...ROOOOOAD." Bizarre. Overall, the concert was fun and we had a blast. Towards the end, during "Soak up the Sun," the microphones went down, so the band just played and the crowd sang the entire song for Sheryl. I think she was alternating between being totally pissed off and loving the crowd for carrying her. It was damn funny. We hung around outside briefly afterwards and met the drummer, Jeremy, who was sooooo cool and so much better looking off the stage. (Yes, we are shameless groupies at heart but for the record, I was the one who wanted to wait...Ellen was okay with leaving like a normal person.) Afterwards, we had a nice dinner at our old Japanese standby, Haru, and called it a night. Woke up this morning feeling VERY puffy. It was the edamame, methinks. You know you are getting old when your body can't rebound from a little salt. Okay, it was a lot of salt. Whatever. Oooh, I said WHATEVER - someone with a public access show in California will be suing me shortly. (I'm referring to the lawsuit brought by some crazy lady named Hilda against Alexis and her radio show, "Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer." Hilda claims Alexis ripped her off because her show that 7 drunk people probably watch at 2am because they can't reach their remote is called "Whatever," too. Hilda needs to get back on her medication.) Frivolous lawsuits and the like are what is WRONG with this country. People have nothing better to do than try to find a way to make a free buck or get their 15 minutes of fame. Remember that crazy woman from Santa Fe that got a restraining order against David Letterman because she said he was using coded words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host!? I'm NOT kidding, this happened! How do these things make it to legitimate courts? A waste of MY money and YOURS. If anyone should be suing anyone, it should be me suing those bitches for the pain and suffering of having to KNOW that they exist. Harsh, but true. Did you guys hear that Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are getting a divorce? While I don't care all that much about celebrity lives (unless someone puts an US Weekly in my hand and then I'll devour that shit), this news upsets me. Maybe because I like Heather and Richie is a sweetheart and they are so damn attractive together AND they've made it to the 10 year mark. I guess they've worn their relationship out. It happens. It's Friday! It's Friday! How about THAT?

February 02, 2006

Girls' Night Out and the Goofy Olympics

Ellen, Melissa, Jill and I went out last night to relax, rejuvenate, celebrate, etc. Ellen had good news to share, Melissa had a recent birthday and Jill is just plain cool, so we were giving her props for that. We met at The Belmont Lounge,which was once annoyingly trendy, but was pretty cool last night. And they had Newcastle Brown Ale, so I’d recommend the place just for that. Anyway, notable in our discussion was the idea that the notion of a “career” was overrated and that one should not be a slave to the unappreciative, take-you-for-granted-if-you-stay-until-9pm-every-night man. Hard work done in the name of something you love FOR people you love, or at least respect, is one thing, but killing yourself for people who are only looking out for themselves and will stab you in the back if need be is just not cool. Where’s the loyalty these days? Where’s the integrity? You don’t wanna turn 50 and wonder where your life has gone. No regrets! After our groundbreaking conversation we headed over to our fave place, Penelope, and had the tasty fare we always have. Good times. Headed home and actually made it to bed by 12:30am! Can you believe THAT one? I feel very refreshed today! Practically got 8 hours in. Victoria is sending me S.O.S. emails from Canada. She’s there for the National Bank of Canada’s “Fixed Income Goofy Olympics.” I am so not kidding. I will post the actual schedule of events on Vicky’s office space page soon. I don’t know which events Vicky will be participating in. I am sure it was quite difficult to choose between the potato sack run, the competition with “giant Kin balls” (?) and the tug-of-war. And that’s just naming a FEW of the events! Good luck, Vicky! And good luck on the Goofy Quiz (“makes no sense quiz”) that ends the Goofy Olympics! We are rooting for you. And we are mailing you some valium. But maybe you should just get it there? Doesn't everyone get their drugs from Canada?

P.S.The groundhog saw its shadow. I forget what that means. I can't ever remember if it's more or less winter. It's kind of like me and birth signs and astrology and all that. If you are a Virgo, you're this and your third moon is in orbit around your anus (pun infrickintended) every 4th day...if you're Aquarius, you cry at Hallmark commercials and have a guilt complex-no, wait, that's just my mother. Anyway, I just can't grasp all of this symbolism. A spade is a spade, biatches. (Woah...wassup Jekyl...or is it Hyde? WHICH ONE IS THE ANGRY, MURDEROUS ONE? I'm useless.)

February 01, 2006

Tout Va Bien!

Hola! I have endless meetings about nothing in about an hour, so I’ll make this quick. Last night Vicky and I went to an old haunt of ours – the fabulous French restaurantTout Va Bien.We used to go there pretty much every night when we lived in the brothel on 51st street 8 years ago. While Vicky brings the French Canadians from the National Bank of Canada there a lot these days, it is always a treat to revisit one of our old 12 drink minimum mid-week evenings of debauchery and paté at Tout Va. Colorful Frenchmen and theater folk are always on hand, and our beloved Michael, the manager of the place, makes sure we are looked after. Last night, we met up with the beautiful and elusive Stacy Herling, a friend and former “colleague” of ours from the recruitment advertising days. BFF came soon after, looking like a movie star in his most excellent cardigan and merriment ensued for quite some time. Usually, if we stay long enough, Michael will put on “Footloose,” move the tables aside and “force” me to dance. Unfortunately, we left before 1am, so there was no dancing. Oh well…next time. I walked all the way home for some reason. Engaging in my inebriated calisthenics again, I guess (xo, Bode Miller). I haven’t gone to boxing OR to the yoga this week, so it was necessary. Kate Shields is blogging again, so please peruse her hilarious musings when you get a moment. Kate was blogging in 2003, FYI – waaaaay before it was cool. She is always ahead of the curve, so you’ll wanna pay attention to what she has to say. Got any stock tips, Shields?